Mo Fukkin’ Dolls and Horror Bitch

Alright here are some dolls I received last christmas from my boyfriend who was antique shopping.  And of course I named em: The tiny one on the left with the plaid, her name is Mairi, since she was imported from Scotland and Mairi is Scottish for Maria. The middle one made of porcelain, her name is Morgan, which is Celtic for Lives by the Sea. The right one in the chemise, her name is Grace, she has porcelain head, arms and hands, but a soft body, soft legs. I love them all dearly, and they are displayed in the bedroom along with all my other dolls. 🙂

Alright back to bitching about horror and getting lovemail:

Visions:  I was a bit skeptical that this random low budget horror film starred Isla Fisher, but honestly I assumed they wanted one star actress since the movie sucked as a whole. Cheesy scares, bad acting, predictable plot, and stupid last half hour. I should have listened to the others who warned the stupidity of this film but I was hopeful and bored.

Southbound:  Okay the people on streaming, torrenting, and IMDB sites have fucking low standards and are more desperate for horror than I am! This movie fucking SUCKED. Everybody was like omfg FINALLY a horror anthology thats actually good, everything else that’s coming out now is fucking lame. So I was like SWEET! and then saw that it was by VHS bitches and was like Oh fuck this is gonna suck. And it did, it sucked, acting = terrible, scares = none, stories = lame… oooh but it all connected on this freaky highway with the wannabe Silent Hill shitty CGI ghouls and a bunch of naked old dudes attacking if you go off path.

The Entity/La Entidad: What the actual fuck was going on here? I know its low budget, but my god the CGI… the floating dead but possessed bodies of people = cheesy, the demon beast buffering or something on some chick’s bed = What the fuck? It sorta looked like Tauros the Pokemon? from what I could see. Then this movie just turned into a bunch of people running in a cemetery, staring at statues, hearing demon growls, vague shadowy figures running fast/chasing them, and a whole lotta shaky-cam goodness. I mean what the fuck were they thinking? Oh and then they made up some weird shit from a random ass language separate from Spain/Hispanic cultures that the demon spoke (backwards!) and only one random chick could translate. I remember looking it up and its like one small belief that wasn’t primary or basis of that culture’s religion/beliefs. FUCKING FAIL, GOOD GOD.

Krampus: Its weird that Krampus movies only came about this past christmas, when before was just mainly Santa Claus Slasher films, but THANK YOU! I admit the Krampus Reckoning, Krampus vs Santa, and some other Krampus movie was fucking stupid as hell. But I did enjoy Krampus with Adam Scott. When I read that he was in it, I was skeptical because I knew it was going to be Comedy Horror, which I loathe. But my best friend encouraged me that it was actually good despite the comedy factor and I actually enjoyed the film. I loved the usage of demonic toys, presents, bells, gingerbread men, the animation sequence when the grandmother tells her tale of Krampus, and omfg the goddamn ending! I LOVED THE ENDING, the face-to-face with Krampus and the boy, the portal to hell, the snowglobes adorning Krampus’s lair, omfg yes! The only complaint I have, was Krampus’s demonic homies that looked like midgets/peeps wearing masks…. I didn’t like that. I don’t mind really good demonic/monster make-up, but “creepy faced” masks are kind of a cop-out, in my opinion. Other than that, I loved the film.

Classroom 6:  I got fooled by the movie poster art, which made it plus the synopsis look interesting. It was not. It was lame. No scares. Just bullshit low budget school film project. Waste of time. Ugh.

The Vatican Tapes: I was actually hopeful for this one, because VATICAN = EXORCISMS, but it turned out to be non-eventful, boring, no scares, no paranormal action, just a stupid fucking OMEN type film like anD HERE IS THE ANTICHRIIIIISTTTTTT HURRAHHHHH SHOCKER SHOCKER ZOMG. 

The Hallow, We are Here, The Deep Dark, The Diabolical: These movies I don’t care enough to give separate reviews so they can share one: They. Fucking. Sucked. Donkey. Balls. No scares, dumb plot, you want the characters to fail/die.

The Veil: Predictable plot, dumb story, typical cult shit, possessions were cheesy/unrealistic, ending was predictable as well. Fuck you Jessica Alba.

The Forest:  From what I read, they went to the national forest in Serbia rather than Japan’s actual “Suicide” Forest? I thought this was a cheap cop-out to use a location/idea/history idea and make into a stupid film where nothing scary happens, nothing new is brought to the Paranormal Horror Table, and the ending is frustrating causing plot holes. Fuck this stupid movie, I’m sorry Japan that we did this film.

Jeruzalem: My mom and I were actually excited for this film before any trailer/teaser release. Just set photos and a story. We liked that it was filmed in Jerusalem and that the demons had wings. I was hoping for some type of evil angels (jealous that humans can fuck up and be dumb but Jesus still loves them yet Angels had to perfect & moral in Heaven… so KILL ALL HUMANS.) But no, it was slow, scares were lacking, demons looked cheesy in up-close camera shots, possessions were quick and not very climatic as well. A huge let down and it made me sad of how dumb it was. Especially the fucking ending.

Anguish:  This film was one of those horror movies where they were like,  “MENTAL ILLNESS OR DEMONIC POSSESSION?!??! DUNNA DUNNA DUNNA NAANNAAAA” But it wasn’t really that intense? Like main character chick, Tess, takes meds, occasionally sees a therapist, but nothing drastic happens. She just hangs out about – alone, exploring, keeps to herself, but nothing abnormal. And all of the stuff that could have been due to a symptom of a mental disorder (Schizophrenia or PTSD are the most popular choices among horror films that do the whole “Mental Illness Vs. Demons” shit.) Yet the “paranormal” shit didn’t start happening until after Tess approached the “grave” on the side of the road that had a cross and picture of the girl that died there in that location (which happened in the beginning of the film) and then a force starts dragging her down to the ground, almost like someone laying down and clutching/pulling/grasping at chest/shirt and each time Tess tried to pull back/get up/get away the force kept pulling her towards the grave then finally she manages to slip away and run like hell all the way home –then less subtle paranormal shit occurs. One of the weirdest parts of the film that I thought “What the fuck is the point of this?”:

This. ↑ What the actual fuck is going on here?! This is where Tess goes to the town and explores. Here she is sitting across the street from this coffee/cafe place just staring. This weirdo dude sits near her, quietly, and just has a giraffe mask on, staring at the same place as her. He never says anything or does anything either. *SPOILER* At some point in the film you find out this is the guy that the dead chick crushed on before she died. Oh and she use to sing/flirt with giraffe boy here at that specific coffee spot, one of those places where artists meet and sing, poetry slams, etc.

They Look Like People:  Now as you know, I usually hate Psychological Horror films, because a lot of them use cliches,  stereotypes, and don’t properly represent the mental disorder that they’re trying to portray. Like I said in the previous review, horror films love to play on Schizophrenia or PTSD individuals with Mental vs. Demons scenarios. Anyway, I thought this horror film was about some guy who saw demons that were possessing people around him.. Like if a possessed person was talking to him, he could see the demon in the person’s face. I was sorta right, but in actuality he, Wyatt, was schizophrenic, unmedicated, and avoided his therapist. He would have nightmares of his ex-fiance being a demon (its pitch black, both lying on bed, we are viewing through his perception, and all we can see is the silhouette of her outlined by the moonlight, then she lets out this loud ass growl and you can see that her face was changing but it was too dark to see details. He would also get phone calls late at night from voices warning him about the demons that look like humans, they’re gonna take over, they look like your friends, your parents, etc. but they’re not, they’re deceptions that have to be killed. Other calls would be his ex crying frantically, his friend/roommate/Christian’s love interest giving him instructions on how to kill the demons effectively, and other voices advising him on how to protect himself. He kept knives, screwdrivers, hammers, taped/hidden around Chris’s apartment to always be prepared. What I found sad was when he would nonchalantly asked Chris if he ever experienced any paranormal shit (Prior to this, Chris’s ex-girlfriend left some of her stuff behind when they broke up & she moved out, and there was a photo of Chris with that ex posing next to each other; however, we see it through Wyatt’s point of view, so in that photo, we see her looking like a pale demon, overstretched mouth open, black stuff spilling out, demonic eyes, etc.) ⇒ So I think this also had to due with Wyatt wondering if Chris ever experienced any weird shit that he was experiencing, but not sure if it was real or actually happening. He asks little things like this throughout the movie but he has bad timing, they get wasted alot/drinking, messing around, and when he asks – they’re too drunk to discuss it or he says it when they’re laying down drunk – and Chris is either falling asleep or fell asleep while he’s rambling/mustering the courage to ask the question regarding paranormal shit. I should have turned this film off because it was starting to tRiGgEr me by displaying things that schizophrenics actually do and go through… I’ve witnessed first hand from my brother… those were scary times and it hurt to see Wyatt go through it. It was like being there all over again, watching him go through it all and not being able to help. But I wanted to see how it ended, my curiosity got the best of me. Its not exactly a sad/scary ending… but it wasn’t a satisfying “good” ending either.

 

More to come soon~

 

Basic Summary Review of Past Horror

I used to have a “Shitty Horror Films” list on IMDB and each film had their my explanation to why it sucked in my opinion, and I stressed MY FUCKING OPINION, you can agree to disagree people, I don’t give a fuck! …However, people still managed to read through all of my negative thoughts on specific films and leave lovely comments such as:
“Maybe horror isn’t your genre, you should really give up… and find something else”
“Your list only has negative reviews, that’s just stupid” (<— On the top of the list, right by the title was a link with text that said, “More lists by Flynn (my name is flynn on imdb)… -Best Horror Films, -Must Watch Horror Films…” So clearly, Einstein here didn’t click on any of those which were filled with positive reviews…?)
“You clearly have no knowledge of actual good horror, like the classics, therefore this list has no basis to stand on”
“You wouldn’t know good horror if it bit you in the a$$” (<–Homie here had to use dollar signs because apparently you can’t cuss on IMDB, which made sense to why a lot of my reviews looked weird cause instead of “Fuck”, IMDB censored it with “*beep*”, which looked so fucking stupid.)
“So what exactly do you enjoy? It seems as though you find nothing scary, everything stupid, but yet you persist on expecting good modern horror?”
“All you do is complain, stop watching horror then, go see what’s on Disney Channel”
“Click on my link to see my list, Flynn, I’ll show you good horror since you obviously have no taste”

Anyway I got complaints from other users from my language on that specific list so IMDB told me to delete it and keep things positive. Lol. So I just have my list of recommendations/positive reviews and people are either like SEEN ALL OF THESE or WHAT ABOUT “insert shitty movie title here”?!?! I just ignore those, actually I ignore all those comments just like how I ignored all of the ones on my Shitty Horror list. Why? Cause Internet fights are fucking stupid and pointless. Oh and I don’t care enough to reply. All those negative comments listed above and the mixed comments on my positive list are mentioned because I find them fucking amusing and hilarious that people feel the need to say that shit. Omg and then I screenshot it on my phone and show them to my bf, best friend, and sister –but only the really good ones. The best was this guy that commented on my Shitty Horror list and mentioned nothing of the negative opinions but only unloaded facts about the bible and Jesus getting rid of demons and warned me about the temptations and ended with words of wisdom biblical quotes. That made my day, that even screenshot-sent that shit to my mom. She enjoyed it as well and agreed with the guy.

**WARNING: BEFORE READING MY REVIEWS YOU MUST KNOW, I HATE: SLASHERS, HOME INVASION, ALIEN, CREATURE FEATURES (Most), ZOMBIES, MOST SLOW BURNER THRILLERS, COMEDY HORROR, ROMANTIC HORROR, MUSICAL HORROR, RE-BOOTS (Most), HORROR FILMS THAT GO AGAINST /USE FALSE INFORMATION/MAKE UP THEIR OWN: HISTORY/EVIDENCE/EXPERIENCES REGARDING DEMONS, WITCHES, JINNS, MENTAL DISORDERS, GHOSTS, LEGENDS, CULTURAL/RELIGION BELIEFS, and MISUSE OF METHODS/SOLUTIONS TO RID/SUMMON/EXPEL THESE SPIRITS.** 

Anyway here we go:

So let’s start with Crimson Peak, it was actually better than I thought. I was like “Oooh Guillermo del toro! He makes weird shit!” and then I saw online it was categorized “Romantic Horror” and so I was like “-_-….” I hate romantic and comedy horrors, sweet jesus, they don’t belong together and are fucking terrible. Therefore, I was planning on skipping it until my sister was like “Ermahgerd let’s see it, my boyfran dun wannaaa” so I was like “Ok ok fo u i seeeee” and so we did and I’m glad we did. It had creepy elements, mostly weird, and decent CGI — but the story is what drew me in. It was Tom Hiddleston and Jessica Chastain threw their fucking fishing line at me and I was hooked. The lack of actual scares didn’t bother me because I was so drawn in by the plot and characters. I also liked that Charlie Hunnam was in it, it was nice to see him in something outside Sons of Anarchy. (Extra plus cause Tom and Charlie are foiiiiiiiiiiiiiineee).

It Follows: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?! Where was the horror? Oh sex = demon from yo sex partner now follows you/wants to kill you unless you fuck someone else/pass the demon on? Oh okay, makes perfect sense. S T U P I D. You know what’s sad? I was actually excited for this movie when I first read about it online. However, I was under the impression that the it was more of a Succubus/Incubus type of horror film… not the stupid shit it actually was. Cause you see, most succubus/incubus horror films that have been out already, are kind cheesy, bad acting, lame, stupid, or basically fetish porn. Also, this movie was fucking boring.

Insidious 3:  I think this was the worst one out of the 3. The dying heavy breathing guy was not scary at all. The reveal of what the knocking sound was = also not scary or shocking. I wish I had more to elaborate on, but I watched this a long time ago by torrent, so just take my word for it – it sucked.

#Horror: Okay to be honest, I thought this was a completely different film than what it actually turned out to be. I thought it was a film based on the true story about that girl who committed suicide after finding out that her cyberbullies were chicks from school and that the cute guy chatting her up online were the same chicks and one of the chick’s mom was in on it… I thought it was that.. so I was expecting intense drama horror type film. But no… this was fucking weird.. like it tried to be super modern horror with selfies, instagram, social media etc. with rich bitches, spoiled brats, and mean girls. It was a slow fucking burner and the girls were sharing intimate thoughts one minute then ripping each other apart the next – calling a girl fat, another girl mean, another a prude, etc. They were young as fuck and smoking cigarettes and drinking from the alcoholic mom’s bar. The parents were just as fucked up with the father of the mean girl who got kicked out by the group for being a bitch– even though they all were bullies to each other? — but this one was supposedly more.. violent? hateful? and her father ended up yelling/threatening the girls for kicking out his daughter into the woods where it was also snowing or something. It was just fucking bizarre and I was confused with my mouth open the majority of the time… there were no scares.. I was just shocked that this film actually existed with all its iPhone app blasted stupidity.

The Gallows: This movie actually made it to theaters!!! OMFG! It is so damn bad! What the fuck were they thinking?!!! Its worse than student film shit or fucking Youtube horror films! Holy shit, this was embarrassing to watch. My fucking god, I hated the entire film. The entire fucking film. This was a disgrace. I can’t believe it got out there.

VHS 3 – VIRAL: Okay, I personally hate all three VHS films, I know I’m in the minority – I don’t know why you people enjoyed these shitty, horrible acting, worst CGI, lack of scares, dumb fucking plots, bullshit movies! I think people who have never really delved into Found Footage found these movies intriguing… but I’m no n00b to Horror, so compared to other low budget found footage horror films I’ve seen, these are fucking bottom of the barrel – weak ass shit. Even with the more money they made, the CGI stayed the same shitty fucking quality and their ideas got more and more out there and fucking dumb.

Poltergeist: What was the fucking point of remaking this film if you’re still gonna use shitty ass CGI?!?! There were no scares at all. There was nothing new offered. This was a huge fucking let down like Sadako 3D.

The Curse of Downer’s Grove: I don’t even know, what the fuck they were trying to do with this movie. The weird dynamic between pretty boy and main character chick where she ends up stabbing him the eyeball and he gets all obsessed and hellbent over her for the rest of the film… What the fuck? And then they tried to give him background by showing a scene with his abusive father… OKAAAAY?! The only enjoyable aspect of this film was Lucas Till as the sexy deep-voiced mechanic, wowowowow. Also, the random “curse” being something about native americans – which is never explored by the characters – just explained in the film – being the basis of random teens dying = STUPID. No research or trying to make peace with the natives, just fucking derp lets try and protect ourselves tee hee. Dear god, what fucking bullshit.

The Drownsman: This was a very odd film… Reminded me a bit of the Ring but more serial killer/slashery? I enjoyed watching it, but I didn’t find it scary. It was more suspense if anything. Its an okay thriller to watch while cooking or doing other work as background noise. I would love for them to make a more intense thrilling sequel to amp up the terror of the Drownsman himself.

Hellions: What the actual fuck was this? It was funny to see Degrassi’s Katie and Drew characters in a horror film. But other than that… It was just stupid and beyond boring. The purple tinted lighting was cheap, the little children demons were overdone (Trick R Treat, Chucky, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, The Doll Master, etc.) and ultimately, they were low CGI so up close shots were laughable. Even their conversations/messages to Katie or whatever the fuck her name was in this film, were just like OKAAAy *yawn* status.

Rec 4: Very disappointing and not demonic enough for the route they were supposedly going for. The first two are still the best ones. I hope they redeem the series with a 5th installment. I do like the cute actress who plays our main (possessed) character.

Unfriended: My sister and I were foolishly excited for this movie! We heard all the hype and friends were saying DUDE it’s pretty freaky for a webcam movie!!! Thus, my sister and I were like awwwww shiiiiieeeet!! So when I finally torrented a good copy, we had our popcorn, margaritas, and plushies (hers is a big Unicorn, mine is a big Mickey Mouse) READY TO FUCKING GO. We ended up critiquing a lot, pausing the film to discuss, and making more drinks to be able to finish the rest of this evidently disappointing film. There were no scares, scarce paranormal activity, and dumb mind games. In the end, my sister stood up with her drink and said *SPOILER,* “ERE’BODAY FUCKIN’ DIESSS!!! OKAAAY!!” And that was the only memorable moment of this film.

The Atticus Institute: I remember enjoying this film but also finding it weird. I mean it was an intense thriller but it was also kinda sad. It is an interesting watch though. Minor scares – makes ya think.

Clown: When I first heard of a slasher film about a guy becoming a clown, I didn’t get the full story. My best friend informed me that he literally turns into some type of clown demon and has to feed on children and he can’t take off the clown make-up or costume. I was like “SAAAAAY WHAAAAT?” and became instantly curious. It was freaky at some parts, depressing, and totally fucking weird. But I liked it, it was a fun ride.

Demonic: So this movie, I heard some good things about it murmuring about on the internet so I was like alright cool lets do this. Upon watching it, I was like omg this is fucking dumb. Cliches tossed around, bad acting, and shitty ending. It started out like Aw fuuck, shits gonna go down! But as it progressed, it lost all suspense and became blegh. Although, it was amusing to see Scotty (Scotty doesn’t know that Fiona and me do it in my van every Sunday!) as possessed but it was also at same time – cheesy as fuck with the whole phone convo scene(s).

Exeter: ….Are people even fucking TRYING? It was like a fucking gore fest with everybody becoming possessed by demons and trying to kill each other. 50 shades of NO.  Upon the first possession, they don’t try to call the cops, or call their parents, or call fucking someone, or even call a fucking church – to find a priest, instead they just waltz around like fucking idiots and the countdown  to demon town begins.

Extinction: I believe I watched this film because I was out of demonic horror films at the time, reviews claimed it was good so I gave it a go. It was a bit slow, suspenseful at parts, but also contained a lot of depressing parts… I don’t like depressing fucking horror films nor will I stand by and watch a horror film where an animal dies. NO FUCKING WAY.

Ghoul:  Interesting premise, but unfortunately failed to deliver. Its not as bad as everyone claims, but I’d recommend for a lonely-calm-cozy night in… if there’s nothing better on TV. 😛

Howl: I know, I know, its technically a creature feature, but at the time, I ran out of demonic horror– Just assume this excuse for anytime I review a movie that I warned us about previously that I would be biased towards hatred. This was a Wolverine type film, subway/train stranded – forest, people take a while to turn fully into the wolf beast – but the process of seeing them slowly lose their humanity and obtain only carnal instincts is both sad and interesting.

The Lazarus Effect: I had high hopes for this movie. Upon reading about it prior to any video/teaser/trailer release, I hyped myself up because Evan Peters was in it, as was the pretty Olivia Wilde. The only image I had was the one of Olivia looking possessed and holding a syringe type gun to her own head but smiling/smirking. I also love demon horror films especially biblical ones so the title Lazarus Effect got me all wound up. Turns out they just used the term, wasn’t biblical at all, wasn’t very demonic, and was a major fucking disappointment with no scares and a dumb ending. Its a run around like a chicken with its head cut off type film where they just hit the wall in the end and then roll fucking credits.

Paranormal Activity – Ghost Dimension: Everyone told me it was going to suck, that it was going to be stupid-unscary-bullshit horror, but yet I tortured myself. Torrented and watched with my boyfriend —I talked shit in parts that seemed to far out there — and hated the “scare” scenes involving Toby (the demon), which they fucking prepped us up all this hype for and in the end we get cheap shots (legs, limbs, silhouette, voice, etc.) instead of getting the money shot (scary demon face/form, chaos, death) that I hoped for. I was beyond pissed and disappointed at this fucking movie for pulling us up this roller coaster to only be let down to an uneventful closing. I hate you PA series, I fucking hate you.

Sinister 2: WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? The preview was all zomg Baghul, he killed these families, zomg its a pattern, zomg these tapes, we gotta get hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiim— BUT THEN NO THE FUCKING REALITY IS THE STUPID DEAD KIDS WATCHING THEIR HOME MURDER MOVIES WITH PRIDE fucking with the two brothers. In the end one attempts to make his own film – fucks up- shit goes down, and agaiN WE DON’T SEE BAGHUL UNTIL THE FUCKING END. KIDS ARE NOT SCARY, TAKE THE CUE FROM FUCKING CHILDREN OF THE GODDAMN CORN. This movie sucked as much balls as the fucking Annabelle movie.

More reviews to follow………

Rapunzel

This beauty of a Rapunzel doll, I received last Christmas from my boyfriend. She’s slightly taller than your average Barbie doll. When you place the lantern in her hand, the flowers in her hair glow and she sings the “Healing Incantation” song. There are also sequin gold streamers in her hair. The Pascal pictured is one that I used for my cosplay at a Sci-Fi convention last year, it was for a gothic Rapunzel & Flynn cosplay with my boyfriend.. hence, the pink mohawk and piercings on Pascal. Lol. I took her out of the braid because I love that Rapunzel has abnormally long hair, it should be let down.